


Love Conquers All (well, all except me)

by felinesandbeanies



Series: Conquer Me (You Already Have) [1]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Anxiety, College Student Peter Parker, Comfort, Depression, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-06 01:37:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14631366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felinesandbeanies/pseuds/felinesandbeanies
Summary: "You know I really love being known as the jailbaiter that almost ended Tony Stark's reputation.""Oh, please, it takes more than that to ruin my reputation." Tony doesn't know why the sight of their bed, crumpled sheets and pillows askew, made him feel a bit lighter. "And I didn't touch you 'til you were legal."Peter scoffed. "Yeah, gee, thanks for that by the way.""Peter, this isn't something you can fix, you know?"orTony Stark wants to kill himself and struggles to find a reason as to why or how he can fix it. Peter doesn't try to fix anything.





	Love Conquers All (well, all except me)

**Author's Note:**

> There's a lack of fics in this ship (I understand why) so I decided to just write because...why not?

It’s actually very simple—Tony Stark wants to kill himself.

The predicament is not the fact that he wants to chug down a bottle of pills as he watched the world go by, the predicament is that he doesn’t exactly know why he wants to die today. His shoulders seem to feel heavier than they should, his chest seemingly in an endless wrestle with itself as if it wants to hurt itself. This is quite a pickle.

Now, he hasn’t crashed like this in a while, though he expected to spiral again because happiness just did not suit him, did it? He hasn’t been spiralling ever since he has decided to try therapy and since he started being with Peter. The combination of both just seemed to fill his space with colors he wasn’t fully aware of. He was only ever aware of the color red—blood, war, gore, abandonment, betrayal, regret, guilt, isolation.

There was pink (him and Peter were on a ferris wheel and the world spun with endless bokeh effect lights), there was blue (the feeling of watching the stars in the countryside at 2AM), there was yellow (idle chatter of his friends and family as they arranged a barbeque), etc...

Yes, it was sweet and romantic, but that shit did not last. Romance does not fix anything and it would hardly—or ever—fix Tony and his self sabotaging ways. The colors began to leak out until he was looking at neutrals again. He wasn’t completely devoid of other emotions, he still felt happy whenever he made a successful deal with another company or whenever there are thunderstorms (among other things). It’s just he’s mostly...a brain in a feely flesh suit.

He doesn’t want to think about it too much, absolutely refuses to dive into his own abyss for longer than necessary. The last thing he needed was to find a new thing to hate about himself. There are still some shards of his dark personality that have yet to be discovered and he’s afraid that someday he might be able to piece it all together and be looking at a mirror.

Normally, he would be working to the bone ‘til this was all washed away and forgotten but he seems to keep betraying himself today. He had just started working on something when there is a weird taste that surfaces in his mouth and his mind unfocuses. His chest twists further into itself when he still tries to work through it. _Traitor._

He heaves, gripping his work table and hunching over. God. Now? Really? He was going to have an anxiety attack now? It’s a small one. He can get over it in just a few minutes but he hates that his mind goes farther away whenever he tries to grip it back. Tony tries to latch onto anything that his 7 senses can grip on, trying to ground himself.

“Are you okay, sir? Should I call Mr. Parker?”

“No need.”

“Are you sure, sir? Your anxiety levels are higher than usual.”

“You’re not wrong,” he huffs. He has read the test results that his therapist gave him and it told him that he had high anxiety levels though he’s gotten so used to it that it’s just now a 4/10 for him but, for a normal person, it’s actually 10/10. He has to admit that it made him feel a little bit superior. “JARVIS.”

“Yes, sir?”

“Where is Peter?”

“He’s in his lab.”

“What time is it?”

“5AM, sir, might I suggest that you get some rest.”

“Why not both of us?”

Silence.

Tony snorted, rolling his eyes in amusement. JARVIS’ silence was definitely a smug _”because you’re fucking old and he’s not”_ kind of reply. He still feels shaky but he decides to exit his lab. If someone or something touches him, he knows he’ll implode. He just has to find someone who knows what to do when he’s in this situation or maybe he just needs to find a distraction.

He makes his way towards Peter’s lab. It’s been a long time since they actually established living together. It was hard during the beginning stages because Peter was just about to go to college in MIT so what was the point if he’d hardly be home anyway? They talked about schedules and Tony was just a sucker for plans and analysis. It worked. They made it work.

He gave Peter his own lab a few months later, knowing that sometimes the kid needed his space and he needed to experiment and create his own thing. It’s not possible for them to always work on things together. They loved it but they also loved working alone, listening to their own music in their own labs, and then bumping into each other in the middle of the night because both of them had spent the night tinkering.

Their relationship was always under question. He might have underestimated Peter’s maturity level because, until now, Peter still amazes him with his wisdom. The boy was far better at emotions and empathy as compared to him.

Once he was finally outside the boy’s lab he could see that Peter is hunched over something, sweat beading on his forehead and his tongue stuck out like how it usually did. He’d never be able to not find this amusing or cute.

"It's improper lab etiquette to do things shirtless."

Peter looked up from his mass murder of wires and gave him a soft smile. His joggers were hanging low on his waist and his hair looked atrocious, sticking straight up (probably because of the headband he wears when he tries to concentrate and removes when he gets a headache). "Hi."

"Hey, kid," Tony said, entering Peter's lab. "Can I come in?"

Peter huffed a soft laugh. "Sure, Mr. Stark."

Tony spotted Peter’s burnt shirt in the corner and his stomach lurches and his mind spins. He remembers their time on Titan when he disappeared and became ash. He remembered trying to scrub his fingers, remembers trying to get _Peter_ out from his skin and nails. “Could you be a doll and...and get rid of that?”

“Oh.” The boy looked at his burnt shirt, then casually swept it up and threw it in the bin. He eyes Tony warily before resuming his project once again. He doesn’t usually comment or dote, knowing that Tony hated that. The older man knows that they understand each other without needing to ask...most of the time.

There is a silence as Tony tries to regain a bit of composure, not trusting his voice for a few seconds.

"You know it's 5AM, right?" Tony said. "It's way past your bed time."

"Aw, come on, it's summer vacation," Peter said, eyes squinting as he inspected his wiring. Tony didn't know what the hell the kid was doing with their toaster but he decides not to ask.

"Times must be changing because I don't think I spent my college breaks..." Tony gave the toaster a look. "...fucking up any of my kitchen appliances. Kid, what are you even doing?"

"I'm not sure yet, Mr. Stark," the boy replied. "I'm sure it'll be great."

"Uhuh."

A beat of silence.

"Tony," Peter said, eyes still on his project. "Is there something wrong?"

"Your spidey sense tingling?"

"Tony."

"Why do you have to ask, Peter." It’s not a question, it’s more of genuine frustration with his situation.

It's Peter now. _Kid_ is his protege, the one he took under his wing all those years ago. He's the one who he gave a suit to, the one that cried in god forsaken pajamas after he got scolded a little. He's the one that died in his arms on Titan. _Peter_ was the one he shared a bed with. The college boy who spends his weekdays at MIT and then goes home to Tony for the weekends and holidays. He's the one who makes them Sunday breakfasts and the one who joins him in the lab no matter what time it was. He was the one who came back to him, risen from ashes.

The particular twist in their situation wasn’t necessarily an easy one considering the fact that Tony Stark was who he was and possibly two decades older. They had to quickly figure out when they were _just_ Mr. Stark and kid and when they were Tony and Peter. The first few months, Tony only felt guilt as he kept thinking of this new love he didn’t deserve but gained. There was more hesitation in him though, evidently, Peter had to sit him down and talk to him. It was a painful conversation as Peter pointedly ignored his attempt to use his humor as a defense mechanism.

He still remembers the moment he finally allowed himself to enjoy this. He couldn’t sleep so he slipped out of bed and to his lab, the hours slipping by without his awareness. The only thing that made him look up from his project was someone entering his lab and of course it was Peter wearing an oversized Iron Man shirt (he bought it to be funny but ended up loving it) and his boxers.

 

  
_  
“What time is it?”_

_“It’s like 4AM, Tony.”_

_“I swear I’ll come back to bed, just give me a few minutes.”_

_“It’s okay, I wanted to join you here.”  
_

The amount of times he’s had lovers be genuinely interested in what he made and what he was doing and actually keep up with it was zero until Peter came into his life.

"I told JARVIS to only let you in if it was an emergency," Peter said as Tony neared him and stood in front of him, table still in between them.

Tony cocked his head to the side. "Excuse me? I gave you this room."

"Remember that one time you got so bored of your own lab that you went here to 'fix' some of my own projects and---hey, you are not doing this."

"Why can't you revert back to being a stammering oblivious mess," the older man huffed. As Peter continued to grow, the cute childish stuttering slowly disappeared. The hero worship was even dialled down a little, but he’ll never admit that he kind of misses it.

"Tell me," Peter said.

"I don't know."

"What?"

"I seriously don't know what's wrong."

Peter hasn't looked up from his little project and that's okay. Tony doesn't like the eye contact under these circumstances. It makes him feel irrationally irritated. "Want to try?"

"Not even a little bit," he chuckled.

"Hmmm."

"I want to kill myself."

The tinkering stops. "I understand how you are feeling but---"

"No, kid, you probably don't." They've fought about this before. Tony sometimes uses "kid" to shut him up. It escalated when Peter said that he's doing to Peter what Tony's dad did to him. Fuck that.

Peter looked up at that, eyebrows knitted together. He reaches out with a free hand, only to have Tony harshly pull away. _"Don't touch me."_

He regrets it immediately because Peter looked stung but the boy merely retracts his hand, places the contraption on the table and crosses his arms. "Did you come here to argue, Tony? Because I don’t think I can handle a having a row with you. If you want me leave you alone then I’ll sleep over some place else.”

"No, I---fuck. I'm sorry," Tony sighed.

Peter released a sigh of his own. "Talk to me."

"I feel heavy," he finally said. "My anxiety levels are at 95% and it's usually only 50%." It could be 30% if they were in vacation together. He's always going to be stressed and anxious and it's always going to be something no normal man can handle on a day to day basis.

Peter doesn't say anything, only nods with full concentration on him. It wasn't easy opening up to Peter like this because deep in his heart he knew he was still just a kid and he was the wise adult who can't even keep his emotions in check. He hated the idea of dumping his problems on him.

"The illogical thing is I can't even find a reason as to why I'm feeling this way." Tony raked a hand through his hair, all the things he's been saying felt like he choked it out.

"And that's okay."

"How in the world is this okay?" Tony asked, frustrated. "I'd rather fight Than---" he heaves. Okay maybe he's not ready to joke about it yet. "You get what I mean. I think I'd prefer some Chicken Soup for the Soul type of bullshit."

"Tony, not everything that you're feeling has an explanation to it," Peter said. "It's not something you can ask JARVIS to search for and then instantly de-bug once you've found a conclusion."

"Or it could be a clusterfuck of accumulated guilt and self-loathing."

"Or that." Peter gives himself a light push forward so he could walk around the table. There was nothing to separate them now.

"Any advice, college boy?"

"Feel it."

"Offering sex when I'm down...how low of you."

"You're a jerk," Peter says, can't help but letting a soft laugh slip out. "I just mean that you should just feel whatever emotion it is you're feeling. Let it go when you're ready."

"Meds might be easier."

"May I touch you?"

Tony hesitated but took Peter's hand in his own, it burned but he took it under grit teeth. He examined it, small against his own. He didn’t know why he felt safe and protected knowing that he could protect this boy in front of him. "I guess."

"Why don't we go to bed?" Peter asked but he was already tugging on Tony and Tony was already following him.

"And talk about our feelings?" He snorted. "Are we teenagers?"

Peter rolled his eyes. "You happy you can say that I'm not a teen anymore?"

"I am America's luckiest cradle robber."

"You know I really love being known as the jailbaiter that almost ended Tony Stark's reputation."

"Oh, please, it takes more than that to ruin my reputation." Tony doesn't know why the sight of their bed, crumpled sheets and pillows askew, made him feel a bit lighter. "And I didn't touch you 'til you were legal."

Peter scoffed. "Yeah, gee, thanks for that by the way."

"Peter." They were already in bed, his head on Peter's lap as he clutched onto a pillow. The boy was softly carding his fingers through Tony's hair. "This isn't something you can fix, you know?"

There's a pause. "I know. I'm not trying to fix you. I'm just here for you."

"Since when did you grow up?"

"I have to be when I'm dating someone with a teen mentality."

"Teen libido as well."

"What are you talking about? You pop those viagra pills like no other."

"Ha ha ha funny." Another pause. "I still think about it."

"What?"

Tony grips the pillow tighter. "New York. Titan. You turning into ash because of me. People are dying because of me. I think about a lot of things and none of them are good."

"It's a dangerous thing: thinking," Peter says, bending so he was resting his cheek on Tony's shoulder. It was an odd position but he knew that cuddling sometimes helps—if the older man consented to touching. Tony can feel Peter's breath on his cheek and feels his words tingle his skin. It was all so intimate. "You know you're being arrogant, right?'

"Wow, what a weird way to kick me when I'm down"

"Not everything is about you, Tony," Peter said, ignoring his statement. "Not everything is your fault. Yes, there are casualties, but it's not your fault why there were casualties. There shouldn’t even be a reason as to why Iron Man or Spiderman should exist."

"You think I don't tell myself that?"

"If you are then you don't seem to believe yourself."

"You know, Pepper never used to understand this."

"I don't blame her. This is a bit....too much."

"She left me due to this."

"She left you 'cause she loved you. It's hard to always see you in the field, Tony."

Tony frowned. "Why don't you do the same as her then?"

"I'm not talking shit about your ex especially since she bakes me lemon squares every once in a while," Peter said. "But maybe it's because I understand how you think. I understand why you do the things you do."

"I don't tell you this a lot but you know you make me happy, right?"

"Is the great Tony Stark showing me his sweet side?" Peter teased.

"Kid, I am too old for that. I'd much rather be savory."

Peter's face scrunched up. "Tasteful."

And Tony doesn't know how this came to be, gentle touches and soft conversations as the sun tinted the sky orange. He didn't know when the bitter taste of disgust turned into the neutrality of just letting it be and call it what it is---love. It is love.

It didn't help him hate himself less nor was it a cure for his emotional and mental instability but it made him feel a mite lighter to have someone to hold, to have someone on his side no matter the situation. “God. I don’t think I deserve this.”

“Well, you don’t.”

Tony eyed him. “I meant you and your affection, kid.”

“Oh,” Peter said, eyes wide. “ _Hey,_ I’m not some prize to be deserved or not.”

“I know,” he said, what little fight he had seeping out as he slowly became loose limbed. “It just feels that way.”

“Well, old man, you have me whether you like it or not,” Peter said, then softly. “And I’m not leaving.”

“You know that school is starting up again in two weeks, right?”

“If my legs weren’t so numb I’d kick you out right now, Tony Stark.” Peter always found it both amusing and annoying that Tony had to ruin a perfectly good moment. “You know what I mean, right?”

“Yeah,” Tony says, closing his eyes. “Thanks.”

**Author's Note:**

> SOOOOO, what'd you think? I want to write more and, hopefully, I have the time to do just that.


End file.
